Lil Ass-Eatin' Kappas (New Fear Unlocked)

[00:00:00] Astonishing Legends Network. Disclaimer, this episode includes the usual amount of adult language and graphic discussions you've come to expect around here. But in the event it becomes an unusual amount, expect another call from me. Hey everybody, welcome back to a very special episode of Scared All The Time. It is special because, as you may have noticed, it is not Scared All The Time, it is New Fear Unlocked, which is normally our second show that is for patrons over at Patreon only.

[00:00:29] But, Ed, what are we doing in September? We're prepping for a crazy rest of the year. We have another insane spooky season in October. Not as insane as last year because I might die doing it. But then we, like fools, decided to make stuff in November and December. Maybe crazier and more insane. Yeah. So we're taking September to prep and record and try and do things. So we won't be releasing the main show in September.

[00:00:56] September will be Patreon only, New Fear Unlocked. You'll still get one every week, but there will be no regular show on your main feed. We will be back, but like Ed said, we are just going to be crazy busy prepping for the rest of the year. So, in order for those of you who haven't joined the Patreon and haven't heard an episode of New Fear Unlocked to see if you want to come join us over there for September, we thought, hey, wouldn't it be nice if we put an episode of New Fear Unlocked up for everyone to hear? So that's what we're doing this week. That's what you're about to listen to.

[00:01:26] These New Fear Unlocked episodes are a little bit bizarre. They're fun. They're a little less scary than the main episodes. Sometimes we've had some scary stuff. We have had some scary stuff. And actually, there's at least one in September that is very scary. But usually, they are bits of research stories that are sort of tangentially related to other episodes or came up in my research for stuff but didn't really make it into the show. So, it's the same Chris and Ed. It's the same fun.

[00:01:54] It's the same show that you don't know yet, but you will know soon. In some ways, it's not the same. In some ways, it's a sillier Chris and Ed. A more drunk Chris and Ed. A more off-the-cuff and unedited Chris and Ed. Yes, and I would say, if you like what you hear and you do go over to Patreon, you may also want to sign up for our live show tier because our live shows are very much like our New Fear Unlocked. They just happen to usually be about more timely news stories,

[00:02:22] things that happen that particular month that won't hold as evergreen content as well. We also interact with the fans a lot more. We have a lot of fun on the live shows. Yeah, and if you're over there already, that also unlocks... Well, unlocks. I don't want to use that word too many times. You also obviously have access to the whole catalog of New Fear Unlocked. Yeah. So anyway, sit back, enjoy, cover your butts, or... This is... Wait, we can't write. You can't say that. That's disgusting. We can't. We can't. We can't. Because this is the main feed now, bro.

[00:02:51] Sit back, enjoy the story of Lil' Ass Eatin' Kappas. Lil' Ass Eatin' Kappas.

[00:03:47] Hey everybody. Welcome back to New Fear Unlocked, your bi-weekly bonus episode, or as we like to call it, episode. Yeah. We consider this part of the canon just as much as the regular episodes. But we try out a couple things that might get us in trouble otherwise here. So you're in on the secrets. You're in on all the secrets. You guys are the coolest of the cool, the best of the best.

[00:04:11] And today we bring you a bonus episode from an email, from a listener email. Yeah. I'm going to be editing all those air out. The headline, the subject of this email is anal obsessed, sumo wrestling, cucumber loving cryptid. Oh, but if they didn't end that with cryptid, I'd be like, this is a hate email. This is a mean, crazy hate crime email.

[00:04:38] This email caught my eye months ago when it was sent in December of 2024. Wow. That was almost a year ago. No. Well, I don't know when this episode's coming out. That's true. I guess it could be almost a year ago by the time this episode comes out. But this is from Brittany, who starts her email by saying, if you read my email on the show, feel free to use my name. So Brittany, we are using your name. Thank you for emailing us. It starts, hi, Chris and Ed.

[00:05:05] My name's Brittany, and I've been wanting to suggest this cryptid to y'all for a while, but just hadn't gotten around to it. Okay. After listening to the top eight cryptids you've probably never heard of episode, I had to send this. My favorite cryptid is the Kappa. Never heard of it. How do you spell it? K-A-P-P-A. Okay. So just like I thought. It's a Japanese water dwelling creature that's equal parts hilarious and terrifying.

[00:05:29] Not only does it lurk in rivers and lakes waiting to steal your shurikodama, a mythical organ that holds your soul located in your ass. Is that what it says? Yes. Oh my God. But it also loves challenging people to sumo matches and loves cucumbers. I'm linking a video on a couple of articles with more details, but I really hope y'all cover this one. It's such a wild mix of creepy and funny, and I think you'd have a blast with it. Is it a humanoid? We're getting to it. Because there's sumo wrestling. We're getting to it. And sucking down cucumbers.

[00:05:58] Thanks for all the hilariously terrifying episodes. They help keep my 45 minute drive to and from work every day entertaining. Y'all are fucking great. Brittany Nicole, Blackheart. Brittany Nicole, our black hearts go out to you. Thank you so much for sending us this email. And we are going to use the articles that you sent to introduce the listeners to the world of the Kappa. Kappa.

[00:06:21] Now, Ed, we're going to put these links in the show notes for this episode. But I want you to look at this image right here and tell me, is this what we named Koopa Troopers after? Hold on here. I can't see. No, because it's not dispelled at all. This one says Kappa, and Koopa is something different entirely. It looks like a Koopa Trooper. First off, it's a Koopa Troopa.

[00:06:51] All right. Well, it looks like a Koopa Troopa. And it looks like a Battletoad. No, a Battletoad would be a frog, sir. Wouldn't it be a toad? Well, it would be a toad, yes. You fucking dummy. But the Kappa are... And also, were you talking about the game version or the one from the crazy movie? I'm talking about... Where they have little heads. I'm talking about... No, I'm not talking about the ones from that 1993 disaster of a film. I think it's a husband and wife directing team who did music videos before that. It was. They created Max Headroom. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:07:20] No, I am talking about Koopa Troopa from... We're going to put a side-by-side in the show notes because you can't tell me... Great. One more thing for me to do. You can't tell me that this guy... I'm going to turn my computer fully around. Don't knock everything over here. Yeah, I'm seeing. This guy. Is that what they originally were? That's not a... Is that what they are in the game? And this guy. Oh, he's got a shell on his back. Yeah. Oh, I didn't see the shell. Look at the one in the water. Yeah, they got...

[00:07:49] This definitely feels inspired in some way. I mean, it was Japanese. I mean, now look, to be fair, the Koopa Troopas aren't reaching up Mario's ass to steal his soul. So I forgive you for not seeing the connections immediately. No, no, I didn't see it. I didn't... Chris is... The picture is small and... I couldn't tell there was a shell on its back. And it's holding a ripped off human arm. That's what I really focused on. Honestly, my eyes went to that first. The first thing you see is the ripped off human arm.

[00:08:17] Not so much the similarity to... Could that be an Italian plumber's arm? It could be. It could be. It's not hairy enough. But otherwise... It's so weird that Japan was like... That's what they came up with. It's super weird. It's super weird. Super Mario is super weird. I'm sure someone's done some research on that and tried to figure... Get to the bottom of... Well, maybe they were both in the axis of evil. That's true. So you're saying you think Mario was created out of a leftover shared love of doing war crimes?

[00:08:47] Together. Together. Because they were like, oh, I wish we had these pipes. We can go down and avoid these tribunals. I'm not sure that's exactly how... Nope. That's Ed Brain, baby. That's Ed Math. ...Mario was invented. I mean, if I had to take a guess, I would say they invented the gameplay for Donkey Kong where Mario debuted. Sure. And it's Donkey Kong throwing barrels down a series of what appear to be like construction site ladders and stuff.

[00:09:13] And so they thought to themselves, who works at construction sites? And what they came up with was Italian guys. Were they just watching? Well, America, even back then maybe, had a big export of media. Yeah. So they saw... Because yeah, they're making things out of paper and wood over there. Yeah. I don't know. They didn't have the... They didn't have the scaffolding. ...hairy, olive-skinned muscles of Italian men to hammer steel and iron into skyscrapers. I don't know where this is going.

[00:09:44] So the Kappa... So you're saying they do have Donkey Kongs? That's 100% them. That's... They look on the horizon and they regularly see monkeys named after donkeys. So the Kappa... Sure. Go on. ...translates to... The name translates to River Child. Okay. Which is a sweet-sounding name for such a vicious, monstrous creature. Also a lot of words for just one word. Kappa. Habitat. Well, it's two words to one word. That's not that many. But the is the first... It's an article, which most languages don't have.

[00:10:13] Well, I guess if you're calling... If you're calling a Kappa the Kappa the way that you... Maybe that's... Maybe that's... You like saying the Bigfoot. Yeah. It's probably not accurate. Yeah, I don't think the is part of its name. It's just Kappa. It's just Kappa. It's Habitat... A bunch of Kappas ran by. ...rivers, lakes, ponds, waterways, cisterns, wells, and the Mushroom Kingdom... No, it doesn't say... Jesus Christ, man. I have to deal with this. I mean, in person, you guys get to at least turn your radios off. It's Diet Omnivorous, it says.

[00:10:43] This website says. Oh, and by the way, the website we're reading from here is yokai.com, which is where we pulled information for the... I forget what it was called, but the haunted Japanese doll creature. Oh, yeah. With the terror brew. In the doll's episode, yeah. Now, is Yokai just like a Japanese version of Cryptid? Yokai... I forget what Yokai translates to, but I remember on the episode... It translates to River Child. No, Kappa translates to River Child. Everything does. I remember on the episode, we were like, I'm not sure this is a real website.

[00:11:11] This might just be some guy making stuff up. But then... Yeah, Hiroshi Yokai. Listener and friend, Kevin from Austin... ...told us that it is indeed a real website. In fact, it is like a go-to source for this sort of stuff. So, yokai.com is a good source. World-renowned. World-renowned. Diet for the Kappa is omnivorous, prefers cucumbers and human entrails, which are... So different. ...two complete opposite ends of the omnivore spectrum.

[00:11:41] Also, cucumbers are like 80% water, right? Yeah. So they're like living in water. They're water children, but they're living in water. River Child, yeah. They're fucking eating water. These guys love water. And human beings. The flesh of humans. Their appearance, we're told... Kappa are aquatic reptilian humanoids who inhabit the rivers and streams flowing over Japan. Clumsy on land, they're at home in the water and thrive during the warm months.

[00:12:08] Kappa are generally the size and shape of a human child, yet despite their small stature, they are physically stronger than a grown man. That tracks for Mario. Their scaly skin ranges from a deep earthy green to bright reds and even blue. Kappa bodies are built for swimming. They have webbed, thumbless hands and feet, a turtle-like beak and shell, and an elastic, waterproof skin that reeks of fish and is said to be removable. Reeks? It's... Okay, there's a lot.

[00:12:37] If it reeks of fish, then take it off if you can. It does say... Yeah, I mean, they maybe aren't bothered by it, but Mario would be bothered by it, so... You go, ooh, ooh, something fucking fishy in here. Ooh, ooh. Other inhuman traits... Get me down this pipe. Other human... Well, maybe the smell is coming from the pipe in that case. Other inhuman traits include three anuses that allow them to pass three times as much gas as humans, and forearms attached to one another inside of their shells.

[00:13:05] Pulling on one arm lengthens it while the other arm contracts. Oh. So, like a piece of string going through a... Sure. Through your nose. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh kind of situation. Why I would... Okay. I know mythological creatures, you know, cultures change, times change. What one thing meant to one culture maybe doesn't translate to another culture.

[00:13:29] But in what world did we need to invent a creature that has three butts... Three buttholes... Yeah. So then it can pass gas three times as much as a human. Yeah, the only thing that makes it weird is that the explanation is to get more farts. Yes. If it was like, oh, it had three buttholes for, I don't know, it ingests fish, it comes out of one, it ingests human arm, it comes out of one, it ingests grass. Like, this has three separate and distinct digestive systems. Yeah. That's interesting.

[00:13:58] But they're just like, nah, this thing can blast ass more than... Upwards three times, honestly, more than other people. This, yeah, this thing can... You're like, how cool is that? Also, its arms are squeaky. Ear, ear, ear, ear, ear, ear. Yeah, it's an odd detail to give to... Also, are they sure the skin smells? Are they just farting so much? That's true. They're just smelling all his ass blasting. Well, or maybe it's a little bit of both. They're farting so much that their skin kind of picks up the scent the way like a car, a smoker's car. Yeah, yeah.

[00:14:27] You can never get rid of the smell. Yeah. Except in this case... You have to like sell shit on eBay and be like, it comes from a Kappa free home. Yeah. So you know it's not gonna stink. Yeah. I also love that they can be any color from green to red to even blue. So... Even. Even blue. Like Smurfs. That reminds me. Smurfs only have one asshole. The biologist in the field being like, is it a Kappa or a Smurf? Well, let's check. Let's check. It's how many ass... Count the assholes. Yeah.

[00:14:59] There was a... Hannibal Buress used to do this bit about how somebody wrote like a fucking review of him or whatever. And it was like, Hannibal Buress does, you know, comedy about this and this. And it said like, and even food. It's just so weird that they would isolate and even food is like the bits he does about food. Well, I was gonna say speaking of food, but really the only connection here is the word dish because it's not really food. But their most distinguishing feature, the Kappa... Yeah.

[00:15:27] ...is a dish-like depression that lies on top of their skulls. What is that? I mean, like it's like a little in-depth basically. Like a little divot. Yeah. Sure. Like they were yanked from the womb with a vacuum hose. They tell you you gotta be careful when they vacuum the kid out. I feel like one of my eyes kind of has that going on. What? Your eye got... One of my eyes is a little lower than the other ones. Is it? Yeah. I've never noticed. Yeah. And I actually went back and looked at pictures of me as a child to make sure it wasn't something I did. But it was like that even then, yeah.

[00:15:55] My shoulders have always been a little weird in my school pictures. Like my shirt's always slumped down to one side. Yeah. And I went to a chiropractor a few weeks ago because I was having some crazy back pain and he was like, I think you have... It's a garbage can out there. It scared the shit out of me. Every night. The city will provide fears every night. Guys, that may be one of the first times you actually have heard me genuinely stop out of fear on this show. There was a loud rumbling getting louder outside the window.

[00:16:24] And I actually... Speaking of fears, when I hear that, I don't know what this is from. Maybe Terminator 2. I always for a split second go, is that the nuke? When you hear the rumbling getting louder, I'm like, oh God, it's here. And my stomach kind of drops for a second. Yeah. I mean, I have this happen from something, something every night here. Like, there's something every night here. But yeah, in this case, it was my neighbor bringing in their garbage cans. We were talking about... We were talking about farts. We were talking about dish heads.

[00:16:55] Dish heads. You went, yeah. Dish heads, kids. Oh, and then I was saying... You went to the chiropractor. The chiropractor was like, I think you have a mild scoliosis. A mild? A mild scoliosis. I guess... And now I'm hyper aware of my shoulders. Nobody checked you? I feel like there's only two tests they ever got. These were not professionals. The lady, the nurse at the fucking elementary school. But yeah, they checked for scoliosis and for lice. Yeah. It was the only two tests they ever got. I remember there were scoliosis checks, but he said mild, so maybe it was just mild.

[00:17:22] I mean, the nurse probably missed it by running her two fingers down your back. One of 1,200 kids that they quickly caressed and moved out the door probably missed a mild case. The shoulder on my right side, which is where he was seeing the difference in shoulder height or whatever, also comes out of the socket. Oh, wow. I used to do it a lot as a kid, as a trick to try to get people to like me. Sure. Look at this. Whee!

[00:17:50] Because most kids can only dislocate their thumb, but I could dislocate my shoulder. And my mom and my grandmother were always like, don't do that. It's going to really hurt someday. Oh, don't keep fucking with it. Don't keep popping it out. Yeah. Yeah, you're not rigs. And I should have listened because I think I'm paying for it now. That's why you walk around. You have to go as Igor every Halloween now. Okay. So what were we saying? We were talking about dish heads. Dish heads. Oh, yeah.

[00:18:12] Because I was saying that if you vacuum a kid out of the womb, they told me that you got to be careful because they had to pull Felix out a little bit with a bit of a vacuum assistance. And I guess that can kind of result in a misshapen head. All right. But you know what? It's going to be great. You can be like me with this one droopy eye or you can be like Sylvester Stallone and have a huge career.

[00:18:32] Well, Sylvester Stallone must have had the good dish because according to folklore here, this dish is the source of a kappa's power and must be kept filled with water at all times. Ah, so you have to be standing on your tippy toes? No. Well, if it's indented, you have to either be underwater or when you come up out of the water, you have to keep it full. Yeah, like a cup. That's what I'm saying. You have to stand upright. Yeah, but not on your tippy toes. I don't know.

[00:19:01] I added tippy toes for flavor, baby. All right. Well, should the water be spilled and the dish dry up, the kappa will be unable to move and it may even die. Okay. You'd think one of its three assholes would come in handy here somehow. Like, does one squirt water back into its head or something? Yeah, but they don't, your butt doesn't, it's, everything goes down. My butt doesn't, but these are kappas we're talking about here. Yeah, I don't know. I just don't know if you can aim anything out of it. Like, especially one that goes up and back and arcs back into the top of your head.

[00:19:31] Three girls, one cup, man. You were raised on it. Three girls, one kappa. Three girls, one kappa. Also, where's the three come from? It's always been two. Oh, because of three butts. Yes. So three butts, one. One kappa. One kappa. You see where I'm going with this. Yeah, but that's, yeah. We workshopped it. We got through it. This is, guys, that's how you win an Emmy. Did you see that podcasts are now going to be an Emmy category? I heard that's a, I think it's a lie. They said. We're not going to win. Because if it's one of the, if it's like every other podcast award where you need to like

[00:20:00] ask. Pay to. Yeah, pay to be nominated and then ask 10,000 fans to like vote on like a cumbersome website, then yeah, we're not winning. No, I suspect it's a ploy to get more people to watch the Emmys. It's good. The first year nominations are going to be Joe Rogan, Smartless. No way. I would. Yeah. I would think, I mean, if I was running it, if I was going to include podcasts, it should

[00:20:27] be like an Audible exclusive, like a Oscar Isaac and so and so. And you know, they're. Call her daddy. No, I don't think it would be any kind of. Call me daddy. Talking podcast. I imagine it would just be like the radio play ones, like the Audible. No. With like. They get huge actors for those. Yeah, but they're, you know, who's even bigger? Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan. I think they're going to try to, they're going to try to. You think Hollywood's going to give Joe Rogan an Emmy for that? Joe Rogan is of Hollywood.

[00:20:57] He might try to pretend. That's true. He does. He was in news radio and stuff. He was in news radio. He knows all those people. Yeah, that's true. Like he's friends with, he knows all those people. There are people that start clipping this show. Like, no, but I mean, he's. He's in the Illuminati. He's of the entertainment industry. But, and then, you know, Smartless, those guys are going to be there anyway. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. It seems like some Golden Globes shit. It's the Golden Globes or the Emmys? We're going to be the Dark Horse. Is it Golden Globes or the Emmys? Oh, good question. I think it's.

[00:21:26] Because Golden Globes is where you would expect that because it's all the foreign people. I think it might be Golden Globes. You would be right. I remember. Name and show redacted. And they were like, you got to go to the Golden Globes parties. If you don't, you'll never get nominated. And he's like, I'm not fucking going. I'm going to sit here and work on the show. Yeah. And then none of our shows stuff got nominated. And then like other people told him to like other big actors and stuff. And they're like, no, if you don't go to the Golden Globe things, they actively like it's the most, I'm not saying corrupt, but it's the most like. Well, it's very star fuckery. Malleable star fuckery.

[00:21:56] They're not Americans. They're just excited to like be around celebrities. Didn't the Golden Globes get canceled for something? For being boring? Like almost literally, I think like canceled off the air. But there was some drama about, I think the votes maybe, or it was like. I don't know. I just remember being in that room and then telling them like, if you don't go, then we're not getting nominated for anything. And they didn't go and we didn't. I remember when I found out that shows like award shows, like the Nickelodeon Kids Choice

[00:22:24] Awards and stuff were really just kind of PR. Yeah. Like it's barely voted on. Yeah, but I'll take a blimp. Someone gave me a blimp. I'd be pumped. Oh, dude. Maybe we could get a Kids Choice Award. I've seen them in person at Class Kachupo when I was working there. I had a shot there. They have all their like orange blimps there. I was like, hell yeah, blimps. I would like to see a crag, aggro crag. We probably wouldn't win a Kids Choice Award though because I don't think kids probably should or do listen to this show. No, I don't think we're going to win anything. But we.

[00:22:54] Except the hearts and minds of a generation. Yeah, which is why I think we do good material. We do good work. People will keep showing up. But we don't need a trophy on our nightstand for that. That's true. Well, Ed, do you want to learn a little bit about how younger Kappa behaved? Sure. The next section is behavior. And while younger Kappa are frequently found in family groups, adult Kappa live solitary lives. Okay. However, it is common for Kappa. I'm an adult Kappa.

[00:23:21] It is common for Kappa to befriend other yokai and sometimes even people. So maybe that's what they're trying to do in Mario. They're trying to be friends with him. And he's like, get these fucking things out of here. Yeah, throw a fireball at that asshole. Yeah. Yeah. Step on his back. Possessed of a keen intelligence, Kappa are one of the few yokai able to learn human languages. They are highly knowledgeable about medicine and the art of setting bones. Oh my God.

[00:23:49] According to legend, friendly Kappa taught these skills to humans. For fun, they love causing mischief, practicing martial arts like sumo wrestling, and playing games of skill like show guy. Okay. So basically us. They're cool guys. They're cool guys. They love causing mischief. They're a little lonely. We theoretically love practicing martial arts and we will someday. I'm halfway to sumo body right now. I do VR boxing.

[00:24:18] You do VR boxing. It's kind of, if you squint, we might be Kappa. I think I'm probably two YouTube videos about setting bones away from being a Kappa. I think so. Kappa are proud and stubborn, but also fiercely honorable. Shit. And they never break a promise. We are Kappas. We are Kappas, dude. We just don't fart that much. Kappa will eat almost anything. We're Kappas! We continue to be Kappas, dude. But they are particularly fond of two foods, cucumbers and raw innards, particularly human

[00:24:47] anuses. We take it all back. We take it all back. We're not Kappas. I like cucumbers. I do like cucumbers. I like to cut up. A little salt. Yeah, exactly. Cut up cucumbers, put salt on it. You've seen me eat it. My mom's handed it to both of us. You know what Anna's got me turned on to? Human anuses. With a little salt on them. Cantaloupe with a little salt on it. Oh, yeah. A little. Well, the thing about salt is it doesn't change the taste. It enhances. It enhances taste. No, I know. But I don't think of fruit as something that you salt. Sure.

[00:25:15] And then I remembered when I was in Italy, you eat melon and prosciutto for breakfast. And prosciutto is basically just salt in meat form. Sure. So that made sense. And I was like, oh, okay. And then I tried it. And it's really good. I never ate fruit with an insane amount of hot chili powder on it. But you can go to almost any street corner in LA and a guy will give it to you. That's another thing that took me a long time to try. Because I was like, why would you do that? And then I did. And I was like, oh, that's why you do that. It's really tasty. It's pretty tasty. Yeah.

[00:25:45] Those are. I feel like we should be able to get like five more minutes out of these things. Eating human anuses. I mean, look. I think Gen Z are all about eating ass now, right? It's not like a thing. It's just funny because they were all like eating ass, eating ass, eating ass. Hardcut to 20 articles about loneliness epidemic. I'm like, oh, you guys are just liars. Yes. I have no problem with eating ass, but it's weird when you guys are fucking really touting it heavy. Well, they just. For people who aren't fucking. They just see it on Pornhub.

[00:26:11] It's basically the Gen Z version of, yeah, boobs feel like sand. They're like bags of sand. Bags of sand. They're like, yeah, dude, I love eating ass. Yeah, I hear what you're saying. And it's because they've read too many Kappa stories on the internet. Exactly. They think it's so cool to be a Kappa and eat ass. And they have no idea. They're confused. They have no idea you got assaulted first. Yeah. Interactions. Kappa are revered in Shinto as a kind of water god.

[00:26:37] It is not uncommon to see offerings of cucumbers made at riverbanks by devout humans. Hmm. In return, Kappa help people by irrigating fields, befriending lonely children, or competing with adults in sports and games. That's how they help us? Like Mario. Sure. It's a game. Yeah. Kappa, Ed, just like us, can also be crass and dangerous. Okay. Lakes and rivers where they live are often marked with warning signs.

[00:27:06] Kappa particularly despise cows and horses and will attack the animals for no reason at all. Wow. Mischievous by nature, they loudly pass gas in public and love to pick up women's kimonos. It's not us. We're not Kappa's guys. No. Sometimes their mischief turns violent. Kappa have been known to kidnap or rape swimming women and kill people. I could not feel further from a Kappa right now. A Kappa's preferred method of attack is to drown its victims or bite them to death underwater.

[00:27:35] Kappa also devour humans alive. Usually they go through the rear end to get at the Shurikodama, a mythical ball of flesh located just inside the anus. And that's got where the soul is. That's where the soul is. I mean, I think Kappa have changed, man. They used to be cool and now they're garbage. We thought they were cool until we got to interactions. And I don't like these interactions. I think that's a lot of negative interactions. I think that's a lot of how people end up like neo-Nazis and stuff where they were like, oh, that guy was cool.

[00:28:04] We had a good time and we hung out two or three times. And then like leaving bowling all of a sudden he started saying some shit that he believed in in the car. It's not that he thought I was cool. Yeah. Now I'm like, no, maybe Brad's not. Maybe Brad, you know, he went full Kappa. Brad can be crass and dangerous. He loves to pass gas in public and peek up women's kimonos, but it's just because he's mischievous. Yeah. It's not because he wants to eat ass by cutting it out of his neighbor and devouring it on a plate. There you go. Also being a Nazi.

[00:28:33] Also being a Nazi. In the water, there is no escape for anyone who crosses a Kappa. On land, however, it is possible to outwit one, probably because you can knock the water out that damn dish. Yeah. That's why I keep pockets, cargo pant pockets full of cucumbers. If I see him come and I toss it. I'm going to smack the water out your face, Kappa. Yeah. Give me that fucking dish head. The honorable Kappa will feel obliged to return a bow.

[00:28:59] If it can be tricked into bowing so low that the water in its dish spills out, it can be overcome. Got your ass. Once bested, Kappa have been made to swear loyalty and friendship to their victor for the rest of their lives. Oh, yeah. That's what I want. A butler who's constantly farting. Yeah. Trying to eat all my visitors' asses. Yeah. Life was better before I tricked you into being my indentured servant.

[00:29:28] There is, additionally attached to Brittany's email, a second article and a YouTube video about the Kappa. Okay. Since this is a podcast, we're not going to play the YouTube video. Is there any particularly good sections that we should need the audio from? Or I'm not doing the work. I don't know why I even asked. But I do think it is worth visiting the second article that she sent. Okay, sure. Because there's some new information in here. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

[00:29:54] Is it an apology on behalf of all Kappas being like, hey, you guys found out about us. A handwritten apology from these things. Yeah. We're not great. We're mischievous and dangerous. Well, something that cryptids.fandom.com backslash wiki backslash kappa tells us is that in Shinto, they are considered to be one of many sujin and a hair-covered variation of

[00:30:22] a kappa is called a haio sobe. They are similar to Finnish naki, Scandinavian or Germanic nak, Czech vodnik, Scottish kelpies, and Japanese haibagon in that they all have been used to scare children of the dangers lurking in waters. Oh, so they have a little boogeyman. It's interesting because we talked about that in the boogeyman episode that boogeymen were often designed to- Keep people out of the woods. Keep people out of the woods, keep people away from the water.

[00:30:52] Again, this one seems like a really unnecessarily complicated- And goofy. And goofy myth to keep kids away. I mean, kids love farts. So if you tell them there's a monster that has three butts that farts a lot in the water, all those kids are going to be hanging out down by the river's edge. Yeah, until one of them comes back and was like, it's not all they want to do. And you're like, oh shit, let's all not go back to the lake. Do you think that that-

[00:31:18] So this whole time I've been trying to think of where this three- I'm so stuck on the three anuses thing. Yeah, you are. Do you think maybe it's got something to do with if you saw bubbles coming up from the water- Do you think there's three of them? Well, no, you're like, what's farting under the water? And you go, oh, maybe it's a- Is that how they attributed that to Kappa? I don't know. It would have to be something, though, because there's bubbles coming up. Well, right. I mean, it's not-

[00:31:46] When that happens, it's usually gas from the stuff breaking down at the bottom of the lake, and then it bubbles up through the silt or whatever and comes out. But- I don't know. It's still- I think one butt will do that. One butthole will get the job done there. That's true. I don't know why, unless there was three distinct bubble spots. You see roiling, frothing water. Yeah, you're like, it's nothing with one butthole can do that. From a Kappa that- Yeah. Everyone get these cows and horses out of here. Something's about to emerge. And it probably hates them. Yeah.

[00:32:15] That's somebody- It's just a thought I had. I did not befriend one. Or I certainly didn't make it bow so deep it works for me. All right? No more questions. Just get these horses out of here. So some of this information here is a little bit- We already covered. They're typically depicted as roughly humanoid in form and about the size of a child. Their scaly skin ranges in color from green to yellow or blue. Despite their reptilian features, this is new. Kappa are said to have ape-like faces and scraggly green hair.

[00:32:44] So now I'm picturing kind of like a weird leprechaun type scraggly- Well, I guess they have orange hair. They get kind of- There's a little bit of- They wear green clothes. There's a little bit of the Loveland frogman or whatever in this. There is- Because they're child height. Yeah. They're rapists. I don't know. We don't know what the frogman was into. Yeah, we don't know. He seemed like he had fun. He had the sparklers. Oh, yeah. He was out there partying, man.

[00:33:12] The kappas supposedly inherit the ponds and rivers of Japan, have various features to aid them, such as webbed hands and feet. They are sometimes said to smell like fish, which we know. The expression kappa no kawa nagare, which translates to a kappa drowning in a river, conveys the idea that even experts make mistakes. So- Wait, so someone would say that's like a regular saying? I guess, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:33:36] If someone came to you and you had hired them to be able to make a wedding cake for you and it was flat and deflated and terrible, they would say that saying, hey, even kappa made mistakes. Well, if you were an expert cake builder. Like, I hired you for my wedding. Of course you're a good cake maker. Yeah. I think that's exactly what it would be. Wow.

[00:33:58] Or if you told your partner to eat your ass and they cut it out with a knife and fork and served it to you with salt, you'd say, kappa no kawa nagare. Yep. Or I would probably ask, hey, are you a kappa? Did I get tricked again into marrying a kappa? It's my third kappa divorce on the books. Yes. Japanese folklore states the kappa can be very polite and disabled before it attacks by bowing. The kappa would bow back, spilling its water and disabling itself.

[00:34:27] They look up skirts. They sometimes drown people and kidnap children. They often pull people's intestines onto their anus in order to get the mythical organ, which I think we need to investigate that mythical organ. I know. It's not just- Oh, you were right. You said you're going to have cucumbers on you at all times. People can sometimes escape from an aggressive kappa by throwing a cucumber in its direction and running away while it eats the cucumber. There it is. I didn't need a fucking book to tell me that. That's human instinct, man.

[00:34:56] If it is necessary, as I'm sure it often is, to bathe in the water a kappa lives in, it is possible to throw a cucumber into the water before entering, after which the kappa will allow you to use its water without attacking you. Huh. It's a little bribe. A little cucumber bribe. If somebody defeats the kappa, it may surrender, after which it will help with farming or share medical knowledge, which we didn't know until right now. I don't like how they become these little fucking dobbies. I don't know how they know medical knowledge. It sounds like-

[00:35:28] Yeah, I know. My biggest question here is when did they go to med school? I think other people in the village are too stupid, and they're like, hey, I'll teach you medical knowledge, and they're like, fuck, I don't know any medical knowledge. Sure, come on by the farm. And it gets them from not being killed just long enough. Yeah. It is also possible to befriend a kappa by bringing in cucumbers, which will also cause it to help in those ways. The technique of bone setting was thought to have been originally taught to humans by a friendly kappa, Doogie Kappa MD, probably.

[00:35:56] Kappas also frequently challenge humans to sumo wrestling, which they are almost guaranteed to win at unless the human gets them to spill the water in their head, after which the kappa is forced to- I think that's bullshit, because you've seen sumo wrestlers. They're big fat guys. Every one of these kappas have been described as the size of a child? Yeah. So I don't know how they're winning at sumo anything. I mean, they're very strong, I guess. But they're also not sumo- None of the depictions of the kappa that I'm seeing here are sumo-y in any- No, they're living on a diet of cucumbers. They're not fucking-

[00:36:25] They're not diabetes. If they were childlike and very fat, then I would go, okay, like a little troll doll or something. Yeah, a little Bob's big boy. Yeah, I could see that maybe being a sumo-type creature, but I don't see the sumo in the kappa at all. There have been some sightings, according to cryptids.fandom.com backslash wiki backslash kappa. Yep. Despite the fact that they are creatures of folklore, reports of sightings do exist.

[00:36:51] In 1801, a famously accurate year full of no exaggerated reports in newspapers, a kappa was caught in a fishnet in what is now Mito City, Ibaraki Prefecture. The kappa was one meter tall and weighed eight kilograms. So they managed to weigh this thing, I guess. Yeah, they got it. But eight kilograms again, not- What is a sumo in kilograms? More than eight. I don't know that- I don't know the-

[00:37:18] I'll ask s*** who never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever gets anything right. Hey s***, how many kilograms is your average sumo wrestler? It didn't even say it, it just put it on the screen. The sumo wrestler weighs around 150 kilograms or 330 pounds. So these kappas are not sumo wrestling anyone except babies. No, and that's the average weight. The highest recorded weight of a sumo wrestler is 589 pounds. Good lord.

[00:37:47] Yeah, this is- Whatever kappa challenges this person to a sumo, it's the last thing they have ever done. They're gonna be spilling the water out of their own f***ing head before this thing starts. There are so many of these sightings. I don't even know which ones to pick. I'll tell you this, they're not all from the 1800s.

[00:38:07] We've got one here from April 1974 when a kappa-like creature was spotted in a river in Tsukimushi Town, Tono City, Iwate Prefecture. It was 60 centimeters tall and had hair. And interestingly, the city of Tono, where this sighting took place, has many stories of kappa in folklore. Sure. In August 1985, well after Super Mario Brothers came out- Mm-hmm. Not that well after. Well, not that well after. Yeah. I guess maybe like- Within a year or two.

[00:38:36] Within a year or two. A man in Tsushima Nagasaki Prefecture saw a kappa-like creature and found a triangular footprint 20 centimeters long- That's new? 10 centimeters wide. No one said they were triangle feet? New footprints were discovered the next day. Still triangles? I assume. Fucking Dorito-footed little piece of shit? If it was just person footprints next to the- Yeah. There'd still be a mystery as to how they got there, but- Could be someone wearing triangle shoes.

[00:39:02] In June 1991, a mysterious creature entered the home of a person named Matsumoto in Saito Miyazaki Prefecture and left footprints 12 centimeters long, 10 centimeters wide, and 60 centimeters wide. That doesn't make any sense. That's supposed to be the three shapes of the triangle? 12 centimeters- I'm not reading this incorrectly. This is just a typo, I think. 12 centimeters long, 10 centimeters wide, and 60 centimeters wide with a foul odor and eerie mucus.

[00:39:30] The mucus was analyzed in 1995- By Egon Spangler. And iron oxide was detected. So blood? Human entrail blood? Probably. So they got triangle feet. They crave licking ass and eating entrails. That have a mysterious third dimension, two dimensions of width. They're looking on a couple of fucking- What the hell's that, uh, Tesseract? They got these little Tesseract feet that apparently stink long after they leave. These guys are cool. They're still cool.

[00:39:59] Some of that stuff you said, though, is awful. But they got a lot of good qualities, too. There's still- There's more. Spring of 2013! 2013! So people are still seeing Kappas into- Well, into the modern day. The last two stories they saw footprints. Let's not get out of control. Hold. This one- You're not even ready. You're gonna get your hair blown back. Oh, my orange and green hair? Spring of 2013, near the Kanda River in Tokyo, which I'm no, uh, geographer- Seems like it's a well-populated area.

[00:40:29] Pretty big city. Yeah. A former detective and graduate school- Is this how he lost his job for saying he saw this? A former detective and graduate school lecturer named Kito Shiba saw three Kappa-like creatures scavenging for leftover food. He said they were one meter tall, murky green, had hairless, slimy skin, and a body shape similar to humans, but with a short neck, small head, and long arms.

[00:40:55] He saw them at a distance of three meters and heard one of them scream. Huh. Do you think he told his students after, like, Jurassic Park? It's like, it's true, they do travel in herds or whatever. I don't know, but I do kind of want the procedural TV show about former detective Kito Shiba, who thinks every crime is committed by Kappa. Do you want it because the, like, CSI opening is that Who song that has, like, the scream in it? It's like, ah!

[00:41:25] It pans over and you see the scream that's actually moving- Yeah, and it's a fucking Kappa taking glasses off. Yeah. Um, now, this article does end in explanations, which we've been searching for this whole time and is a great note to end the episode on. One possible explanation for these creatures is the giant Japanese salamander, which is rumored to grow up to eight feet in length and lives only in clean, clear streams, which is unfortunately where people like to play. Yeah, but does it lick ass?

[00:41:55] Well, that's what, that's the question on the tip of everyone's- I don't like that you did your little tongue. Tip of everyone's tongue. Yeah, gross. I love giant Japanese salamanders. They're so cool looking. Yeah. I can definitely see how you would think they were a mythical creature. I don't know how you get to Kappa from giant salamander. Yeah, a bunch of holes. No shell, no hair, no visible holes. Yeah. Um, you know, baby dragon? Sure. Sure. Absolutely. I get that giant salamander. Kappa?

[00:42:25] I don't know. Another explanation, according to this article, is that it could be a new or prehistoric kind of amphibian, which again, somewhat like cucumbers and human entrails are on the opposite ends of the spectrum. Sure. Such as a temnospondyl, which I don't know. I know a lot of amphibians. I don't know the temnospondyl. I don't know if that's new or prehistoric, but it sounds cool. Let's see.

[00:42:58] Temnospondyl amphibian. Takes you to Pornhub. They're an ancient order of amphibians that flourished during the Carboniferous, Permian, and Triassic periods. They're considered some of the first vertebraes adapted to life on land, so these would be more of the ancient, prehistoric, not a new kind of amphibian. Sure. Sure. I'm trying to see if I can find a picture of one here to see. Oh, okay. Yeah. If you've ever seen pictures in a dinosaur book of early life, they're the sort of alligator-y

[00:43:28] looking, giant salamander-looking kind of things that come up on land in those old pictures. Gotcha. These look a little bit closer to a kappa. I still... There's still no shell. There is, interestingly... Oh, no. This says diffusion through skin. I thought it said something about smelling through the skin, and I was like, oh, interesting. Nope. Nothing of interest here. Nothing of interest here. Forget I said that. It could also be a misinterpretation of a sea turtle. Jesus.

[00:43:58] Kind of. Okay. It has a shell. Has a shell. Has the turtle-like head. Yeah. Or perhaps an undiscovered species of turtle. This could be likely, as the website notes, some turtles are known to eat cucumbers. Oh, shit. But do any turtles have one long arm? No. That goes whoo-whoo-whoo around their body? So they can better grab cucumbers from farther distances? Brittany, I love the kappa. Thank you so much for drawing our attention to this strange creature.

[00:44:27] The only other note on this website here is that in the 2025 movie called Bloat... Gotta watch that tonight. ...the kappa is featured as the main monster. The main monster? It's three feet tall! He kind of looks like... Do you know in the original Toho Godzilla movies, the Baby Godzilla from Monster Island? No. I forget his name. Probably Baby Godzilla. He kind of looks like Baby Godzilla. I think he has his own name, but I can't remember it right now. Well, no. I wouldn't. It doesn't have nothing for me. This kappa kind of looks like Baby Godzilla. All right.

[00:44:57] But... Well, we'll see if we can get one on the show. There is also here a photo, Ed, that I'm going to have you describe to the listener. I'm going to turn this around and make sure it gets nice and close to you. Don't you dare knock anything over. It appears to be an older image, although we'll see what Ed makes of it, but it is... It's called Defending from a Kappa. All right. Let me see what we got here. I don't... I don't want to... Now I'm holding this fucking laptop. Okay.

[00:45:25] So it's a painting of a couple of kappas with kind of beautiful hair, but that's not the thing that my eyes immediately go to. It is a human being, maybe a man, pulling... He's pulling his pants down and like mooning a couple kappas. And I think they're maybe farting real big time fart on the kappa's face or if that's like something... I don't know if something's coming out of the kappa's mouth into the person's ass or if

[00:45:55] like this person's spraying something out of their ass onto the kappa who's trying to get up on that ass to get some soul. I think if it's defending, I think it's coming out. Okay. So... That is a farce. But there is two people. The person who has lowered their pants and blasts an ass on a fucking lizard. They're both cowering. They're both cowering. But one person had the great idea that it really looks like they're peeing out of their butt onto the lizard.

[00:46:23] And both the lizard-y ass kappas have like mullets and one has either died or is running away. I don't know why I'm looking at this, but I'm sure it'll be in the show notes. Absolutely. Fascinating image. Yeah. Let us know if it looks like someone's peeing out of their butt to you. Well, the caption on the Cryptids fandom page says, Farts repel kappas. Oh, so you didn't tell me that. So then we've got another photo of a kappa that looks very much like a Koopa Trooper.

[00:46:53] We've got this photo that is apparently mummified remains of a kappa at a local pub in Japan where they keep important things like that. Lombra from Pokemon is based on a kappa. I don't remember Lombra. Neither do I. Probably was removed from stores and they found that it had 18 buttholes. Guapamon is a photo on here that looks like sort of like a Rasta duck.

[00:47:23] Yeah. That's a problem. There is a plate on his head. No, it's a problematic duck because first it's like a CD-ROM on his head with his hot dogs hanging off of it. Yeah. It's a lot going on there. But that's the bowl. So yeah, the guys with the mullets in the picture you showed me, I couldn't tell it was on top of their head. And that must be their dish. Got it. They are dumb looking. But so weird that unless I'm missing something here, like look at this image of a kappa. Okay. That's what people want.

[00:47:53] That is like a real, if you put a Koopa Trooper into ChatGPT and said, generate a photorealistic image of this. Yeah. It would look basically like what we're looking at right now. Yeah. I'm sure it'll still be in the show notes, but it is like kind of like a faux oil painting of like a humanoid, spiky-shelled Turtle Man. Turtle Man. But nowhere on here of all the other video game characters they say are based on the Kappa. Did they mention the Koopa Troopas?

[00:48:23] They mentioned the Koopa Troopa. I feel crazy. No, you should feel crazy. You should. I do every day. Yeah. And that's why we have all these fans to write us in and you're not crazy, Chris. You're great. Or they'll write in and say you're a piece of shit. You should kill yourself tonight. So you never know with fans. Somebody commented, easy. It's a living Pachycephalosaurus, which would be incredible. But I doubt that's the... Someone wrote that alone. So that's the Kappa.

[00:48:50] Thank you again, Brittany, for bringing the Kappa to our attention. Sorry it took us six to eight months to reply to this email. But honestly, six to eight months is the minimum sentence of what they should be giving Kappa as if it's doing some of the things it's accused of. And if it wasn't accused of any of those, it sounds like the best cryptid ever. But it's got a dark side. Yeah. I don't want to necessarily put the Kappa on a fear tier. No, I'm not doing that. But let's put them on a buddy tier. Put them on a friend tier. On a scale of one to ten. We had a thing in our eight cryptids.

[00:49:19] We had come up with a new thing that we... I've for sure forgotten. I was just going to say, on a scale of one to ten, how much would you want to get a Kappa to bow so you had a little mischief buddy? I think if they weren't into ripping entrails out and raping, I'd say it would give a higher number. I have to go with zero because I don't want to spend time with someone who's accused of those crimes. That's true. But we know it's some element of premeditated because they have an excuse to like, ah, it's mischief. So they knew what they were doing. They knew what they were doing enough to have an excuse.

[00:49:49] Yeah. Mischief in the mythological days was a lot more violent. They know bone setting. They do. They're the smartest cryptids. So they should know that... They've been to med school. They've been to med school. They show up more often than not with a stethoscope around their neck. Yeah, dude. So that's why I'm thinking like, I can't have them as a bud. They're going to have to go zero. I can't have them around. I agree. They're going to make things hard for me. Got to be a hard zero on the Kappa. You got to say no on the Kappa. They're a lot of fun. Just like the frats that have similar names. Just avoid them. For the same reasons, maybe?

[00:50:18] I don't know. Well... That was it. That's the episode, guys. What a great episode of New Fear Unlocked. This might be the best one we've done. This might be the best one we've done. I had a lot of fun. This was fantastic. You know the deal. I'm Chris Kalari. And I'm Ed Vecola. And we will see you next week. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

[00:50:47] Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.